Finding Our Center After A Suicide Loss

by Catherine Greenleaf

How do we keep it all together while grieving a suicide loss? Suicide is one of the most devastating forms of loss that exists. The mixture of suddenness, self-inflicted violence and police involvement can leave us with our minds and hearts shattered.

It's important to remember we are not the only ones who have lived through and survived such a horrific loss. We have many suicide loss survivors who have gone before us and they have blazed a trail of survivorship and healing for us. So, with that in mind, we take a look at some ways to get grounded during grief:

1.  Don't isolate. Isolating magnifies the pain. This does not mean putting yourself with anybody you can find. A sense of discernment is required, which can be challenging. We need to put ourselves in the presence of people who care and understand, and who aren't going to try to rewrite history for us or tell us how we are supposed to be feeling.

2.  Ask for help. Millions of people have lost loved ones to suicide. And while this is sad and unfortunate, it also tells us that many have survived such a loss. While it isn't easy, it is most certainly much harder to get through suicide loss alone. Asking for help, and getting it, is perhaps the strongest indicator that a person will be okay. Suicide loss survivor support groups, a sudden loss bereavement therapist, and private, small therapy groups can be a huge benefit.

3.  Do only what you can do. Maybe you don't want to go to that office Christmas party. Don't! You are the best judge of how much you can handle. If the holidays are overwhelming you, create your own celebration at home with a close friend. During overwhelming times, less is more. Make sure to get lots of rest and sleep, eat healthy food and give yourself lots of time-outs!

4.  Watch out for the mood altering substances. After a suicide loss, it can be very tempting to overdo it with alcohol, cigarettes, food, sex, work, shopping -- any compulsive activity prevents you from feeling your feelings. The addictions are merely symptoms for what's going on underneath: not wanting to feel the pain of the loss. This is where a therapist becomes crucial in guiding you through your grief.

5. Steer clear of the critical people. Believe it or not, there will be some people out there who will condemn your loved one for dying by suicide. As if the pain isn't enough, you have someone in the neighborhood who thinks suicide is a sin or a crime. Please remember these people are ignorant, uneducated and foolish and they perpetuate the stigma connected with brain disorders. It is not your job during this tender time to reform them. Avoid them.

Above all, be true to yourself. And remember, suicide is the result of a chemical imbalance caused by a brain disorder. Suicide has nothing to do with what you said, didn't say, did, didn't do. It's time to start cutting yourself a break and learning to love yourself. Right now!

Setting Boundaries During The Holidays

By Catherine Greenleaf

The holiday times roll in, and suddenly it's so easy for me to overextend myself. Parties with co-workers, lunches with friends, get-togethers with relatives -- it all seems like so much fun in the beginning. Then I look at the calendar in bewilderment, noting that I don't have an evening to myself for two solid weeks!

It happens to all of us, but for suicide-loss survivors, there may be a tendency to overload to avoid the pain of spending the holidays without a loved one.

Know that you can always cancel. You don't have to be Superwoman or Superman during this most tender of times. I have learned I can say "yes." I can also say "no." I can even say "maybe," "I changed my mind," or "can I get back

to you?"

Setting boundaries and limits helps me enjoy the holidays!

The Gift of Desperation

by Catherine Greenleaf

When we learn we have lost a loved one to suicide, we hit a level of despair few people will ever know or understand. That's why I refer to suicide loss in my book as high-voltage grief. Suicide loss tears every fiber that makes up the tapestry of our lives. The suddenness, the lack of warning (even with a history of previous attempts), the self-inflicted violence and the profound aftershocks (like depression, anxiety and PTSD) can put us into a state of mental anguish that makes day-to-day functioning very difficult.

However, there is one silver lining in this very dark, grey cloud. And that is the gift of desperation.

Now why would I call desperation a gift? Because it forces us to our knees. It forces us to admit we are sinking and don't know what to do next. It forces us to realize we cannot travel this path of grief alone.

It forces us to ask for help.

In a society that prides itself on the concept of rugged individualism, asking for help can be seen as an act of weakness or even cowardice. But what do we do when faced with suffering beyond our capacity to resolve? We become humble. We surrender. We ask for help. Asking for help is our saving grace. Turning to others for support, help, information and encouragement is our way through and out the dark tunnel of suicide grief. Attending a suicide loss survivor support group, seeing a sudden loss bereavement therapist or participating in suicide loss group therapy are just three ways of reaching out and getting the guidance we need.

People who need people, are, indeed, the luckiest people. It's where love begins.

When You Witness A Suicide

by Catherine Greenleaf

There are, unfortunately, instances in which a person dies by suicide in a public arena. If you have witnessed the suicide of a stranger in a public place, what should you do? Should you just continue on as you were before and brush the incident off? After all, you never met the person in question and don't even know the person's name.

There is the time-worn adage, "a witness to violence is a victim of violence." Suicide is a form of self-inflicted violence and witnessing a suicide, whether you know the person or not, can be extremely traumatic. Trauma affects people in different ways. If you are experiencing any of the following, you might consider getting some help:

1. You avoid the area where you witnessed the suicide, even if it means taking longer to get to work, shopping, visiting family and friends. You experience overwhelming panic when approaching the area.

2. You are experiencing unusually violent dreams that upset you.

3. You are experiencing flashbacks around the suicide, e.g., certain smells, sounds and sights are coming back to you piecemeal and unnerving you.

4. You find time is distorted for you. You are late to appointments, early to lunch with a friend. You used to be able to tell what time it was without looking. Now you have no idea what time it will be when you look at your clock.

5. You are having difficulty sleeping through the night.

6. You are starting to isolate and finding it feels safer to be home alone.

7. You are spending more time alone eating or drinking alcohol.

8. You can feel yourself starting to shut down emotionally. You are no longer sure how you feel about anything.

9. You feel life has lost its lustre and you aren't sure what motivates you to get out of bed anymore.

10.You are catching yourself being compulsive. You find you are having difficulty stopping certain activities like cleaning, working and hand washing.

At the very least, a few visits to a sudden death bereavement therapist will help you clear up any feelings you might have about witnessing a suicide. The above list is only a partial one, but each item describes a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder or depression. In any case, it never hurts to ask for help!

Why We Neglect Ourselves After Suicide Loss

by Catherine Greenleaf

After losing someone we love to suicide, it is common for us to neglect ourselves. We do this by not eating, not getting enough sleep, repeatedly feeding ourselves negative messages, and not allowing ourselves to feel our feelings.

Why do we torture ourselves in this way? Because, for some reason, we feel guilt and shame around the suicide loss. We cycle endlessly through the same questions: what did I do wrong? what could I have done differently? what was it I said that made him/her do this? what was it I didn't say that made him/her do this?

Because suicide is so sudden and so devastating, if we can't find the answer to why they did it, then we think we must be to blame. This is called "the logic of absurdity." That phrase was coined by Alice Miller, the author of the wonderful book "The Drama of the Gifted Child." In the midst of emotional trauma, we are often given to blaming ourselves for situations we had no control over. As we recover from the trauma, we realize we are not to blame. We realize we don't have, and have never had, enough power to make someone take their own lives. And as far as saving them just in the nick of time? We also realize we are not omniscient and not omnipotent. The qualities of omniscience and omnipotence are godlike qualities. And we are not God, we are merely human.

The other factor that contributes to our urge to neglect ourselves is the stigma society attaches to suicide. What we encounter the most from people in the community is referred to as "The Wall of Silence," according to suicide loss researchers. What we often extrapolate from this silence from others is unspoken condemnation -- that somehow we are flawed and our family is abnormal. Our self-esteem ends up so severely damaged, we sometimes end up believing these thoughts and willingly punish ourselves. None of it, of course, is true. Suicide can happen in any family and the loss  does not make us abnormal. 

What is clear is that the Wall of Silence stems from people's fears of saying the wrong thing and upsetting us. So they say nothing. We are not being condemned. But we are being thrown under the bus, so to speak, by people's lack of education around suicide loss. What we need is a Wall of Support surrounding us.

So, that means we can drop the guilt. We can drop the shame. And we can start nourishing ourselves. What a wonderful journey to be on! We give ourselves everything we need -- rest, nutritious food, sleep, calming music, invigorating exercise. We can go on vacations. We can go to a spa and get a massage! We can help our grief process by attending suicide loss survivor support group meetings. We can make new friends. And we can start sending ourselves positive messages of self-love. It feels good to finally be on our way -- back to ourselves!

Are You In There? The Frustrations of Preoccupation

by Catherine Greenleaf

There are many downsides to preoccupation, which is a symptom of PTSD. When we are in a state of preoccupation, we are constantly distracted from what is going on in the present. This robs us of the opportunity for all the gifts of living in the moment -- joy, love, closeness, and especially the intimacy that grows between two people who care about one another.

Preoccupation prevents us from experiencing spontaneity, which is a big part of the enjoyment of life. Instead we are locked into a goose-step of just getting through the next day, looking for something to do that will interrupt the emotional pain we are feeling around the suicide loss. Please keep in mind this is not your typical multi-tasking. It's the mind's attempt to create a distraction from the trauma of devastating loss (such as suicide) and to numb out the pain by overloading the brain's circuits with an overabundance of conflicting activities.

"Conflicting" is the operative word, because the two activities a preoccupied person chooses are often totally disparate and make no sense, such as watching T.V. while on the phone, reading a book while attending a conference, talking to someone while trying to dial out on a cell phone. What occurs inbetween these two disparate activities is an inability to comprehend or focus on anything. In this inbetween state, the person instead enjoys a numbed-out and pain-free period.

It is easy to see when someone is experiencing preoccupation:

1. They have a glazed or dulled look to their eyes or face.

2. They are standing right in front of you but seem to be a million miles away. (This is also referred to as being emotionally unavailable, which can destroy friendships and love relationships).

3. You're never sure they just heard all of what you said to them. You may find yourself saying: "Yoo-hoo. Earth to Mary. Did you hear what I just said?"

4. They are usually fidgeting for something to do, and will often attempt to read a newspaper or use their cell phone while talking to you.

5. They tend to walk into walls, doors and furniture because they don't have their full attention to keep them on guard.

6. They routinely walk into a room looking for something but can't remember what it was they wanted.

7. You will see their mouth moving as they walk around. They are talking to themselves.

Preoccupation can be dangerous. A person with preoccupation has a delayed response to stimuli, and so will be slower to react while driving on the highway or crossing a busy street.

But the biggest loss is the inability to stay present for the people you love. This can have damaging and longlasting consequences for all of your personal relationships.

If you feel you are caught in preoccupation mode, reaching out to qualified professionals can help you regain control over your emotions and your life.

Preoccupation -- Dealing With An Annoying Symptom of PTSD

by Catherine Greenleaf

Preoccupation -- we all know what it's like to have our mind in one place and our body in another. Have you ever said to someone: "Huh? What did you just say?" This can happen when you're in a roomful of people and in the middle of conversation and for some reason you just drift off in your own mind. It's as if you're a million miles away from everyone else in the room. Some people call it daydreaming, and it is human nature to think and dwell upon possibilities in life. That is part of how we plan to attain our goals. However, when your preoccupation is due to trauma like suicide loss, the effect can be quite the opposite and can impact the quality of your life.

Veterans of war call it being "shell-shocked." When World War I, II, and Viet Nam veterans returned from battle, they often presented with the symptom of appearing to be in a daze. This preoccupation, or splitting of the mind and body is a very normal and natural reaction to trauma. The brain is attempting to heal itself from devastating loss and grief. What the brain does is fixate on two things at once, such as vaccuming the rug while talking on the phone, watching TV while reading a magazine, eating a sandwich while getting dressed. This is not what we think of as modern-day multi-tasking. Dwelling in this inbetween state of doing one thing and thinking of something completely different is very effective at stopping painful emotions and memories from coming to the surface.

In some ways, preoccupation is very similar to OCD or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Any compulsive activity prevents a person from feeling emotions. This is why after a suicide loss, surviving friends and family talk about mopping the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. or cleaning out all the closets in the house again and again. They are seeking solace from the overwhelming pain this type of sudden loss can bring.

Preoccupation can prevent you from living life in the moment. It can rob you of your spontaneity and enjoyment of life's many joys. If you feel you are suffering from preoccupation that just doesn't seem to be lifting, you can seek assistance from a qualified sudden death bereavement therapist. There are several modalities that can be quite useful in treating this symptom of PTSD, like EMDR and other types of neuro-linguistic programming, as well as amino acid therapy.

The bottom line is this: you are not alone in your grief. There are many people who have experienced the disorientation of preoccupation after a tragic loss and found ways to combat this annoying and perturbing symptom. The key is asking for help and putting yourself in the hands of a qualified professional so you can get some relief.

Read more about preoccupation and the other symptoms of PTSD in my book: Healing The Hurt Spirit: Daily Affirmations For People Who Have Lost a Loved One to Suicide at www.healingthehurtspirit.com.