An Irish Blessing For You...

Beannacht  (Irish Blessing)


On the day when the weight deadens
on your shoulders and you stumble,
may the day dance to balance you.
And when your eyes freeze behind the grey window
and the ghost of loss gets into you,
may a flock of colors,
indigo, red, green
and azure blue
come to awaken in you a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays in the curach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the Earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours.
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

John O'Donoghue

Hiding Behind The Potted Geraniums

By Catherine Greenleaf

After a suicide loss in the family, it is very typical to pull down all the shades in the house, lock the door, turn off the answering machine and do what is called "sitting behind the potted geraniums." 

In other words, we think sealing off the outside world will somehow protect us. From what? We can conjure up all kinds of reactions from the community in our minds. Perhaps they now think our entire family is "crazy," that there is something terribly wrong with us and we should be avoided, that somehow suicide is contagious and will spread to others should they have contact with us. It is terrifying to think of re-entering the community and experiencing people's "verdict" over your family situation.

The sad part is we are the ones thinking these thoughts. We make up these scenarios in our own minds and scare ourselves into isolation. It is true that some people do not understand suicide loss and grief and we will meet with the occasional person who makes insensitive comments. But we are living in a world now where people are more savvy about the devastating effects of sudden loss, including suicide. Most of the people we encounter will be enormously compassionate and understanding. However, hiding inside a dark house will not help us to meet any of these nice people.

Usually it's our own guilt and shame that compel us into hiding away from the community. For years, I carried guilt that I had somehow said or done something to make my loved one choose suicide. Staying inside the house was my way of avoiding the possibility that someone would point the finger and say: "He died because of something you did." I'll be darned if I know what that "something" was. However, when you are in the throes of suicide grief you don't see the absurdity of that type of thinking. 

The truth is, suicide is never the fault of anyone but the person who chooses it. No one has that much control over another person. There is no need to feel guilt or shame about your loved one's death. Suicide is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and/or a lifetime of not being able to employ the skills necessary to cope with adversity and conflict.

Things are bad enough without adding to the pain of sudden loss of someone you love. We can let go of the guilt and start moving in a more positive direction. The time is now for nurturing yourself. You have been dealt a devastating blow. Be good to yourself. Give yourself time to heal. No, life will never be the same. But you are now on the path to what suicide loss survivors call "a new normal." Taking care of yourself will get you there a lot faster. Try opening a window blind and unlocking the door. Let people love you and take care of you. You are worth it.

Finding Our Center After A Suicide Loss

by Catherine Greenleaf

How do we keep it all together while grieving a suicide loss? Suicide is one of the most devastating forms of loss that exists. The mixture of suddenness, self-inflicted violence and police involvement can leave us with our minds and hearts shattered.

It's important to remember we are not the only ones who have lived through and survived such a horrific loss. We have many suicide loss survivors who have gone before us and they have blazed a trail of survivorship and healing for us. So, with that in mind, we take a look at some ways to get grounded during grief:

1.  Don't isolate. Isolating magnifies the pain. This does not mean putting yourself with anybody you can find. A sense of discernment is required, which can be challenging. We need to put ourselves in the presence of people who care and understand, and who aren't going to try to rewrite history for us or tell us how we are supposed to be feeling.

2.  Ask for help. Millions of people have lost loved ones to suicide. And while this is sad and unfortunate, it also tells us that many have survived such a loss. While it isn't easy, it is most certainly much harder to get through suicide loss alone. Asking for help, and getting it, is perhaps the strongest indicator that a person will be okay. Suicide loss survivor support groups, a sudden loss bereavement therapist, and private, small therapy groups can be a huge benefit.

3.  Do only what you can do. Maybe you don't want to go to that office Christmas party. Don't! You are the best judge of how much you can handle. If the holidays are overwhelming you, create your own celebration at home with a close friend. During overwhelming times, less is more. Make sure to get lots of rest and sleep, eat healthy food and give yourself lots of time-outs!

4.  Watch out for the mood altering substances. After a suicide loss, it can be very tempting to overdo it with alcohol, cigarettes, food, sex, work, shopping -- any compulsive activity prevents you from feeling your feelings. The addictions are merely symptoms for what's going on underneath: not wanting to feel the pain of the loss. This is where a therapist becomes crucial in guiding you through your grief.

5. Steer clear of the critical people. Believe it or not, there will be some people out there who will condemn your loved one for dying by suicide. As if the pain isn't enough, you have someone in the neighborhood who thinks suicide is a sin or a crime. Please remember these people are ignorant, uneducated and foolish and they perpetuate the stigma connected with brain disorders. It is not your job during this tender time to reform them. Avoid them.

Above all, be true to yourself. And remember, suicide is the result of a chemical imbalance caused by a brain disorder. Suicide has nothing to do with what you said, didn't say, did, didn't do. It's time to start cutting yourself a break and learning to love yourself. Right now!

Setting Boundaries During The Holidays

By Catherine Greenleaf

The holiday times roll in, and suddenly it's so easy for me to overextend myself. Parties with co-workers, lunches with friends, get-togethers with relatives -- it all seems like so much fun in the beginning. Then I look at the calendar in bewilderment, noting that I don't have an evening to myself for two solid weeks!

It happens to all of us, but for suicide-loss survivors, there may be a tendency to overload to avoid the pain of spending the holidays without a loved one.

Know that you can always cancel. You don't have to be Superwoman or Superman during this most tender of times. I have learned I can say "yes." I can also say "no." I can even say "maybe," "I changed my mind," or "can I get back

to you?"

Setting boundaries and limits helps me enjoy the holidays!

The Gift of Desperation

by Catherine Greenleaf

When we learn we have lost a loved one to suicide, we hit a level of despair few people will ever know or understand. That's why I refer to suicide loss in my book as high-voltage grief. Suicide loss tears every fiber that makes up the tapestry of our lives. The suddenness, the lack of warning (even with a history of previous attempts), the self-inflicted violence and the profound aftershocks (like depression, anxiety and PTSD) can put us into a state of mental anguish that makes day-to-day functioning very difficult.

However, there is one silver lining in this very dark, grey cloud. And that is the gift of desperation.

Now why would I call desperation a gift? Because it forces us to our knees. It forces us to admit we are sinking and don't know what to do next. It forces us to realize we cannot travel this path of grief alone.

It forces us to ask for help.

In a society that prides itself on the concept of rugged individualism, asking for help can be seen as an act of weakness or even cowardice. But what do we do when faced with suffering beyond our capacity to resolve? We become humble. We surrender. We ask for help. Asking for help is our saving grace. Turning to others for support, help, information and encouragement is our way through and out the dark tunnel of suicide grief. Attending a suicide loss survivor support group, seeing a sudden loss bereavement therapist or participating in suicide loss group therapy are just three ways of reaching out and getting the guidance we need.

People who need people, are, indeed, the luckiest people. It's where love begins.

When You Witness A Suicide

by Catherine Greenleaf

There are, unfortunately, instances in which a person dies by suicide in a public arena. If you have witnessed the suicide of a stranger in a public place, what should you do? Should you just continue on as you were before and brush the incident off? After all, you never met the person in question and don't even know the person's name.

There is the time-worn adage, "a witness to violence is a victim of violence." Suicide is a form of self-inflicted violence and witnessing a suicide, whether you know the person or not, can be extremely traumatic. Trauma affects people in different ways. If you are experiencing any of the following, you might consider getting some help:

1. You avoid the area where you witnessed the suicide, even if it means taking longer to get to work, shopping, visiting family and friends. You experience overwhelming panic when approaching the area.

2. You are experiencing unusually violent dreams that upset you.

3. You are experiencing flashbacks around the suicide, e.g., certain smells, sounds and sights are coming back to you piecemeal and unnerving you.

4. You find time is distorted for you. You are late to appointments, early to lunch with a friend. You used to be able to tell what time it was without looking. Now you have no idea what time it will be when you look at your clock.

5. You are having difficulty sleeping through the night.

6. You are starting to isolate and finding it feels safer to be home alone.

7. You are spending more time alone eating or drinking alcohol.

8. You can feel yourself starting to shut down emotionally. You are no longer sure how you feel about anything.

9. You feel life has lost its lustre and you aren't sure what motivates you to get out of bed anymore.

10.You are catching yourself being compulsive. You find you are having difficulty stopping certain activities like cleaning, working and hand washing.

At the very least, a few visits to a sudden death bereavement therapist will help you clear up any feelings you might have about witnessing a suicide. The above list is only a partial one, but each item describes a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder or depression. In any case, it never hurts to ask for help!

Why We Neglect Ourselves After Suicide Loss

by Catherine Greenleaf

After losing someone we love to suicide, it is common for us to neglect ourselves. We do this by not eating, not getting enough sleep, repeatedly feeding ourselves negative messages, and not allowing ourselves to feel our feelings.

Why do we torture ourselves in this way? Because, for some reason, we feel guilt and shame around the suicide loss. We cycle endlessly through the same questions: what did I do wrong? what could I have done differently? what was it I said that made him/her do this? what was it I didn't say that made him/her do this?

Because suicide is so sudden and so devastating, if we can't find the answer to why they did it, then we think we must be to blame. This is called "the logic of absurdity." That phrase was coined by Alice Miller, the author of the wonderful book "The Drama of the Gifted Child." In the midst of emotional trauma, we are often given to blaming ourselves for situations we had no control over. As we recover from the trauma, we realize we are not to blame. We realize we don't have, and have never had, enough power to make someone take their own lives. And as far as saving them just in the nick of time? We also realize we are not omniscient and not omnipotent. The qualities of omniscience and omnipotence are godlike qualities. And we are not God, we are merely human.

The other factor that contributes to our urge to neglect ourselves is the stigma society attaches to suicide. What we encounter the most from people in the community is referred to as "The Wall of Silence," according to suicide loss researchers. What we often extrapolate from this silence from others is unspoken condemnation -- that somehow we are flawed and our family is abnormal. Our self-esteem ends up so severely damaged, we sometimes end up believing these thoughts and willingly punish ourselves. None of it, of course, is true. Suicide can happen in any family and the loss  does not make us abnormal. 

What is clear is that the Wall of Silence stems from people's fears of saying the wrong thing and upsetting us. So they say nothing. We are not being condemned. But we are being thrown under the bus, so to speak, by people's lack of education around suicide loss. What we need is a Wall of Support surrounding us.

So, that means we can drop the guilt. We can drop the shame. And we can start nourishing ourselves. What a wonderful journey to be on! We give ourselves everything we need -- rest, nutritious food, sleep, calming music, invigorating exercise. We can go on vacations. We can go to a spa and get a massage! We can help our grief process by attending suicide loss survivor support group meetings. We can make new friends. And we can start sending ourselves positive messages of self-love. It feels good to finally be on our way -- back to ourselves!